UnComfortable in school

I was having a chat with an old school friend the other day, and we started reminiscing about our school days. The 'good ol' days'. Except they weren't. Good, I mean. Then it started a chain of thought that continued after the conversation had ended. Why wasn't I cool?

Zipping to the present day, I have found myself on the fringe of any group, in class, in any gathering involving people of my own age. And I find myself standing outside, looking longingly in. Somehow, I cannot muster up enough courage to insert myself into a group. And it's a direct result of the agonies of my pre-teen years. I don't blame anyone in school, but I am merely wondering how different my life would have turned out, if I was 'cool' in school. I remember when I was very little, around 6 or 7, I was very popular amongst my classmates. The kind to be picked first for teams, the one everyone surrounded at break. Then zip forward to when I was 12. In a matter of 4 years I went from centre of attraction to wallflower. This was all because of my father transfer and My friends or my class mates use to cheat me . As I can see it, there were a few factors that contributed to my dismal status in school (I was never even close to being 'A' list).Just because my father got transfered again and again. 1. I didn't listen to the right music - very simply I didn't have satellite at home, seeing at my family barely spent any time at home, 2. I didn't watch the right TV shows - same reason; but this had the effect of making any conversation about shows like the X-files totally incomprehensible. 3. I didn't have a friends' circle that went out regularly - I stayed too far away again, and plus my parents always insisted on a chaperon. Makes sense, in retrospect, after all we were a bunch of little girls. 4. I put on loads of weight - Ah, my nemesis even now - my mother fattened me up, because I was a scrawny little thing and I was on the verge of being malnourished. I remember making some tentative forays into making friends, and was met with such out and out derision for my clumsy efforts, that I retreated further and further into my protective shell. Slowly but surely, my self esteem completely eroded away. Now over 10 years later, I find myself in a strange situation: I am now 'A' list. But it so seems that I'm the only one on the list. Spending much time on my own, has taught me to be comfortable with my own company.and just my love is with me I go about my activities singly, without any need for support. In a word, I am a loner. I have some close friends who I will cherish for the rest of my life, and I know that I will receive all the unconditional love from them, that any heart could possibly desire. But, there is uncomfortable thought niggling in the back of my mind: I find I need to prove that I'm not a loser to the folks who made me feel like one, all those years ago.