my life : in a sense

ME, as I know Myself!!!

Well, it definitely sounds strange, isn’t it? It’s about me and as I knew or rather know myself. Many of us think that we know ourselves so well that no one else can see what goes in our minds, hearts and in our day to day activities. I know it sounds so true and yet, we miss out so much on life as it goes by. Let us start this wheel of life from the time I was born. As you all know that no matter under what circumstances a child is born, is always looked upon as a bundle of joy and I was no exception either. . was born as a petite, innocent girl, who they thought that she is an angel and first baby in their home . my parents are sensitive and god-gifted to sense good vibrations from any soul and I radiated that. They brought me up well and looked after all our big and small needs. Not that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth but never missed out on anything. Well, at that age what does a child want, only that he or she is loved by its parents and its needs are taken care of. And that was enough for me. As I grew older, went to a for me where I learnt the hardships of life as how it feels to be away from your parents, brother and sister when you need them the most or say, when you make mistakes and learn from them to gain self confidence and respect. I learnt to walk on my own with no support, learnt the importance of discipline, responsibility and punctuality as we were made to look after not only ourselves This was inculcated at a good time and till date I cherish those values.

Then I started out in co-ed schools for higher education. I have always felt shy talking to boys, though its not there much now as I am trying to outgrow of my shyness. I was an average in academics and still managed to pass with flying colors. More aptitude was towards sports, arts and being close to nature. Arts, I pursued further as a professional course and it gave that satisfaction deep down inside and had a wonderful time inculcating this interest, as art has always fascinated me and I love playing with colors. While doing so I would make mistakes, for which my instructor would ask me to repeat it all over again. This is what used to make me cry inside as why only me when there are so many girls in my class who were below average and yet being passed of casually. And this one incident made me see the positive side of it that my instructor knows that I am capable of delivering much more than an average one. This would thrill me even further. Also during farewell each person was given a compliment or some life-related quotes going with their personality. I was given “Life is not a bed of roses”. This set me wondering why this quote for me and what does it mean. This made a deep impact in my heart and now I do understand it completely and follow it too. Though I tend to be more of a pessimist but I am very optimistic about things in life. Life makes one grow thousand times mature.

Then started my journey of exposure to tough world while I was studying. My first work experience with a reputed non-government organization, which taught me a lot of things in terms of practicality and hardships. The person who heads this share market a well known political person and a very tough master. he is one of substance, who has himself faced hardships in life from a very young age but portrays steel-nerving attitude. Working with him has been the most enchanting experience for me as he knew my skills and capabilities and made me work hard. Not only this but he made me even run for my life and have escaped from being beaten by her too. As I write this, I am actually visualizing the scene as it happened and has put a smile on my face. Those were the days which I have fond memories of both, good and bad. The whole experience of long five and half years has been the most happening and learning years of my life. It was like a kindergarten or a play school for me, which taught me how to value your work and how to overcome hardships. I have always wanted to be successful on my own and with my sole efforts but this woman told me to never pray for that day as it’s really difficult and lonely up there on your own. In that sense I have been blessed with good and bad people, both. Good ones helped me climb high in terms of values and bad ones taught me what not to do lest I fall. I am a kind of a person who enjoys challenges and does not even mind making thousand and one mistakes but at the same time, will take responsibility for them too. I have actually experienced the thrill of success in my heart despite numerous failures. And I feel I am a go-getter. People who know me have good and bad things, both to say about me and I have no qualms about it either. One has to face criticism in life at all times. I know I am a very cheerful and a hardworking person; can be the mainstay of any organization. I enjoy working for people and would not even mind going out of my way to help anyone. Along every good thing, bad things are attached too. I can be very blunt and sarcastic too, which may hurt people. But I know my bluntness allows me to speak up my mind and be practical about everything. I have limited number of friends but make new ones easily too. At times I get disillusioned with the meaning of friendship and life, both. I want to be there for my friends and be in touch with them but when I do not get the response after a certain period of time, I leave them aside. In friendship, it has to be both ways and not just one person running after them.

As my journey of life moves further, I see that my life is there in front of me and still wants to test me to see whether I can take any more hardships from it or not. It seems either it’s making a mock of my life or wants me to smolder further just like the more you burn gold the more pure it becomes. as my name kanika (means gold) I am willing to take on both. I guess my life so far hasn’t understood me and keeps on meeting me at every corner as I sail through. But now as I have been in a home environment, I have learnt to take my life a little easy and smooth, lest breaking the old norm about to be not so busy in making a living that I forget to make a life. But as the old habit stays on, I tend to see just the half empty glass and not the half fuller one. So many good things have been happening around me and yet here I am, shutting off myself and not enjoying what life is offering me as a reward for being a good human being throughout. After all I do deserve my share of happiness and good luck. Not many years have passed that I brag so much about my life and its ups and downs. Now I know that it has prepared me so well that I can pass through any damn circumstance with such flying colors and nothing affects me.

Well, again if I talk about affects I know I am being untrue to myself. After all I am also a human being and not God and feel the same pain as you and me or anyone else would. To reach the stage of Godliness and oneness within ourselves, it may take just a second or trillion of seconds to realize it. But one thing is for sure, my life is a message and at every turn it makes me see back and realize that after all the years that have passed so far, weren’t that bad et al. And by God’s grace the years yet to come will be full of beautiful and vibrant colors. While I write this, I can already smell the sanctified fragrance of beautiful flowers that are yet to bloom in the path of my life.

I am alone with my loneliness

Yesterday everything was just going on too well for me. I got up at leisure, helped my mother in the kitchen, read newspapers and catched up on bOLD AND THE bEAUTIFUL. Finished some of my pending jobs. Spoke to some of my friends on the fone.............new ones though. But still I could feel that something was amiss.......something which I could not figure out myself either. I wondered that since everything has been going on so well then why is that empty feeling surfacing again and again. I have noticed that even if all is going on so perfect around me and I even have my share of fun and frolic, still by the end of the day I feel gloomy. Why? What is it that I am missing so much. I have new friends, good work environment, my own family members, tv to watch, music to listen to. Maybe I am longing for that someone in my life to sweep me off my feet. To feel that closeness, the sense of assurance, or maybe just a simple hug is what I long for, from the loved ones in my life. I want to feel that I mean something to them. Even a single word or just a glance at me makes my day.

Anyways, not going off the track.......as I talked to you about my loneliness and encouraging myslef , I was myself feeling so discouraged deep within that I just could not control my tears afterwards. I had to cry it out lest accumulating it inside. I have cocooned myself and radiate an aura of coldness so that no one sees what is going on within me. I am scared of anyone venturing inside and see the real me. Even my lonliness surprises me at times as if it is the only friend that I am left with. But atleast it is there with me to comfort me as I slowly drift away in the stillness of the night and wait for the dreams to ride me high...............

There is no charge for love

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents Is that enough to take a look?"
Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle.
Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.
As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.
Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up.
I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
>With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.
Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy. "How much?"
asked the little boy.
No charge," answered the farmer, "there's no charge for love."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

Dreaming dreams

Dream dream dream dream……………….and .all I have to do is dream all my life………

Dreams take you to a different level about life, metaphorically though. Not everyone can say convincingly that they dream – some do, some don’t, whilst some are unsure if they actually dream anything when sleeping.

There are various interpretations of why and how do we dream. Few say that they dream of situations or people, with whom they may have dealt with under any circumstances, be it recent or past. Or lurking thoughts within the mind could turn them into visual dreams. Yet there will be times when dreams occur with as many as different situations, people, place, objects to name a few, which do not make any sense if remembered at all. It may be one concluding dream but each scene depicted would be different from the other.

Often dreams get shrugged off as they convey no fruitful meaning and at the same time may wonder why a particular person, situation or an object is being dreamt repeatedly. Is it the subconscious mind that is playing hide and seek visually, whilst in deep sleep? Or is it the innermost fear trying to resurface through dreams? It could be either.

It is but natural to think and dream of owning and enjoying the best of comforts of life; or being well established in a successful enterprise. Thoughts and dreams are correlated. Whatever is thought about mostly gets refurbished into subconscious minds. Even the expressions and characters take the shape of dreams.

Many a times you may dream of something which has no meaning or depicts an upcoming nuance. Its occurrence may not be necessary. But it certainly has a meaning. It could be about oncoming good prevailing conditions, a successful event likely to happen soon, or even a forewarning of a tragedy. At times we dream of what we see in our day to day lives. Or even try to weave it out from what’s real and what we fear of. It could lead to traumatic provocation if tried to link them up.

Dreams are mostly pleasant and occasionally monstrous. Dreams do occur when we are trying to sort out issues or looking for hidden answers. Of lately I have been dreaming of water bodies, both slimy and dirty with live and dead birds or muddy rain drops. I saw a film celebrity too. Been with my father either driving down the tunnel flooded with water or visiting a new furnished house overlooking the water front, yet afar and enclosed with grills.

Even saw a family acquaintance. Next, I and my brother were going from room to room; seeing two people sitting in next one talking business. I see a girl adorned in fancy attire, walking down the street. And that girl is me. It was as if I am seeing myself doing all of that. I see 3-4 girls sitting round the corner waiting for my marriage to happen. I suddenly realize that it’s a wrong day and inform them. Even dreamt about having food and wanting to have a corn but someone stops me from doing so as if I was stealing it and takes me to a person to complain. That person looks at my pleading eyes and says that he only asked me to and laughs away. Suddenly I see myself and dad walking into a green garden with fresh yellow lemons falling all over the place. At times I see myself falling from a pole or slipping down the muddy slope, with known people coming by. Weird it sounds to me. None of it has any linkage except the water body. I have had phobia of deep waters but it isn’t that big now. Muddy water body signifies about me being clouded over with thoughts that need to be cleared and solved.

Many a times I dream about my previous organizations’ chairperson, who is a well known political figure and a crusader. I am sitting in her office and working on something or assisting with an upcoming event. And true enough, he is working on organizing an event soon.

Few mornings ago my dad mentioned dreaming about my engagement with a guy lying on the bed and reading something aloud to me. I am all ears. And my father asks as what’s been happening there as we were just supposed to meet the guy. But I respond that I am happy there and like the guy. Even his dad is sitting there approvingly. This one does make sense as obviously my parents have been pursuing alliances for me. So their current reservations and thoughts culminated into this kind of happy dream.

Nowadays, I get up fresh and remember some of my dreams though vaguely but I gather that they have been really very pleasant signifying happy days ahead.

All these dreams are just an iota of what we all actually dream, not followed sequentially though. Dreams never have to be perfect but I believe they certainly do convey messages, be it positive or negative. Lot of studies and observations have been conducted on this natural phenomenon and various elements such as people, persona, home, feelings, food, places, flora and fauna have been interpreted too symbolically.

So dream as much as want to and stay happy to have refreshing and cheerful dreams, always!